Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
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Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
i love meeting boys on tinder
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.