OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
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My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Scream sneezers need love too.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.