The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
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No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.