Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
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*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
😂😂
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
as is their right
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.