my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
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Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget