Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
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masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
The days of good grammer has went
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.