EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
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Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*