*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
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People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it