If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
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You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
this is the best day of my life
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?