i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
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I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood