me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
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let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.