My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
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Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Buying a well is money well spent.
Strange
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Skills
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.