just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
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Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
i guess his teacher was really pissed
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet