SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
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Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?