I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
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I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.