Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
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always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did