[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
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I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties