My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
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ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Perfection.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.