And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
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Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.