[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
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[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings