[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
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At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*