Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
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Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.