[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
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Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.