Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
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Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.