I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
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I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
eating my hot dog hamburger style
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Lmao
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.