{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
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Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
checking out some reviews of my local library
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.