how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
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I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk