dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
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Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park