Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
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My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby: