One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
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I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.