Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
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which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.