Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
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Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
who did the taste test?
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.