“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
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Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
It be like that sometimes 😆
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what