Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
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<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Cause of death: Zumba
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Muppet Screams
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips