Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
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The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I learned about self care from watching my cat.