.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates