My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
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[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I already tried new things thanks.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.