Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
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[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her