Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
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Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.