Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
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Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish