Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
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You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it