thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
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plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes