British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
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he’s doing your taxes
Me trying to “trust the process”
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant