The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
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This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?