No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
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ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.