A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
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I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame