Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
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Breaking news:
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.