grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
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There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale