My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
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The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
*pronounces patio like ratio
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.