When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
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Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
what’s more important?
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.